you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
