it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just threw up on my dentist
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
