I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
