I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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