So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
