I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
