I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
