I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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