I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize