life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm like, not good at living.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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