i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
