I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
