I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
