If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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