im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
