Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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