White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
