my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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