im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
