You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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