The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
