I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
