So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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