just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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