birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
