Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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