Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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