I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Can I color on your dick again?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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