I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
