ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
