I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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