You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I need water and some morals
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
