She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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