dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
