Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
