i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
