I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize