Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
