I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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