yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
