I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
