bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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