In the future we'll all be gay
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
