It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
