It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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