Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Randomize
