I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
