Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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