party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
