fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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