if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
