i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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