Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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