and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
