What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
