I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
