Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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