Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You ruined the universe
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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