True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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