I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
