Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
