i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
