So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
