you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
