Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
