All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
