have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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